The corner of 1st and Amistad…

The library in which I work is completely empty.  I haven’t actually seen another person since I turned into the car park this morning.  The lack of sound, of business and of activity just makes me sense that everyone must be feeling the same as me today… weary.  I managed to tidy up a few loose ends first thing this morning and in fact anyone who follows my Twitter will know exactly what I started with;

http://twitpic.com/aziop – Back to work… Back to overdue books and ‘The Fray’…

A few hours have passed since then, but two things have remained the same.  Firstly, I’m still weary.  Secondly, I’m still listening to The Fray…

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where you been?” He said, “Ask anything.”

Where were you, when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad

The early morning, the city breaks
And I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I’m worth

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

Why’d you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

You Found Me – The Fray

I knew that today would be a frustrating day.  I guess thats one of the biggest problems with working in a college library.  Even though the college closes (per-say) the library stays open.  It’s a completely different place during the summer compared to what it was during term time.  To be frank, it’s staggeringly lonely…  I mean I know that libraries are always quiet places but thats not just what I’m talking about.  Even though they were (fairly) quiet, just having students here gave this place a sense of life.  Books were being read, notes were sprawled out across tables and everything was set to a symphony of computer keyboards tapping with a sense of urgency.

Now? Now the books sit dormant, unread; thier raison d’etre unfullfilled.  The computers sit turned off; their spark of life removed by the absence of thier busy masters whom they had faithfully served.  The chairs sit neatly pushed under empty tables except for the odd one which remains slightly askew, almost in homage; appeasing the ghosts of unfinished essays and imcomplete reports. As for me… the humble guardian of this CandleKeep;  the keeper of it’s tomes…  Here I sit, bound by the silence and subservient to the minutiae which inhabits it…

A job which mere weeks ago was perfectly pleasant has become a trial.  In all seriousness and fantasy-esque narrative aside, when this place was busy and alive you did feel like a keeper of knowledge; like a jack-of-all-trades and a master of one or two.  One day I actually delivered what might as well have been a geography lecture to four or five kids who had taken an interest in the world map behind my desk.  The next I was making up an excel spreadsheet for an I.T. class project.  At some other time I had to teach myself visual basic to try and get our library software to work.  Some days it was just as simple as knowing where a book was but even that was fulfilling.  Now I’ve been reduced to mere inputting; to typing stuff up… It’s not a lot of fun.  It’s repeditive.  Frankly, it’s boring and unchallenging.  Deep down, I had always hoped that I’d never become part of the 9-5 monotony and now it seems like that’s exaclty what I’ve been assymulated into.  Returning to fantasy narrative, this place is dead and I feel like boatman, ever-destined to travel back and forth along it’s morbid banks; my only solace being the coin which I receive for passage…

Truth be told, I don’t think that this feeling of weariness is confined to work.  In fact, I think that what I’ve described above is just part of a much bigger picture.

I talked some of it out with a good friend of mine maybe a week or so ago.  It was a difficult conversation to have.  Even now, I’m finding this hard to type but I kind of want to persevere regardless. 

This time last year I went to a seminar organised by New Horizon entitled Blogging For Jesus.  I raised a question at the end of the seminar which the group dwelt on for a little big of time.  I was curious about the issue of honesty in a blog.  I used the example of the book Rachels Tears which uses extracts from Rachels journal to illustrate her relationship with God in the years, months and days before she was tragically murdered in Columbine High School.  What I wandered was whether the fact that Rachels journal was private and that she never expected anyone else to read it made the content any different to a blog where the author knows that the content is accessible by all and may tailor it to reflect this fact.  In essence, what I was asking was a question of honesty; Do we occasionally omit details from a blog purely because it is a public space and we don’t want others to know our innermost insecurities?  In short, the answer is yes but, similarly, I don’t think that such omissions are confined to our blogs.  I’m sure everyone is guilty of this at times but I think, to frame this all in the context of what I’m talking about, it can seem like an especially easy option for a Christian to simply not divulge problems, insecurities etc to those around them rather than deal with them in a forthright and direct way.  I’m especially guilty of this and, to bring the subject matter back to what I was talking about, it’s one of the reasons that both my conversation with my friend and writing this blog is especially difficult.  Simply put, both require me to open up and reveal the deepest thoughts and feelings inside me and that scares me. 

I think that it scares me in a few ways.  Firstly, I’m terrified of it somehow damaging my witness; I would hate that people would look at frankly how weak I might seem and think that there can’t really be that much strength found in Christ.  Secondly, I’m terrified of how other Christians might see it.  I think thats a problem we’ve created for ourselves within western Christianity; this sense that we’re all somehow bulletproof and can’t possibly stand up and admit to being weak or broken or tired or weary lest we be seen to have faltering faith.  What we get, instead, is thousands of people turning up to Church on a Sunday morning or C.U. on a Monday night, or Youth Fellowship on a Thursday or whatever, each one a picture of perfection and hapiness on the outside but inside, a mess.  I think that we’ve become so obsessed with the religiosity of it all that at times all we see of our brothers and sisters is merely a facade to hide what’s really going on.

I’m guilty of erecting such a facade.  Friends continually tell me that they are so impressed with how I deal with everything so faithfully as I politely smile and nod but at times, am falling apart inside.  Still, however, I can’t possible come out and say what I’m really thinking lest I be patronised or condescended.

Let me clarify a few things;  I’m not losing my faith.  I’m not angry with God.  I don’t need another helpful verse (Like Jeremiah 29:11) to be quoted at me over and over again.  What I need is for everyone to drop their own facades and in turn let me drop mine…

There’s no shame in saying that we all struggle with God from time to time.  It isn’t a sign of weakness.  At least if we in the Christian church came to terms with that, we could struggle through it together instead of hiding it in public and breaking down in private.

Yes, I’m struggling at the minute…  I can’t help but wonder where everything is going.  Truth be told I can’t shake the feeling that my life seems to be going nowhere.  I can’t help but be curious as to why I’m stuck in a dead-end job that right now is driving me nuts.  I don’t know why I trained for four years in something which I love only to find that I have nowhere to go with it.  I can’t fathom why I can’t seem to find a sense of belonging in any local Church.  I don’t understand why God called my Dad home in the years when I feel like I needed him the most.  I feel like I could really use a break…

I think it’s ok to struggle with this stuff and let me explain why with reference to The Fray.  Frontman Isaac Slade has had a couple of things to say about the song You Found Me on both the bands official forums as well as in the press.  It’s a tough song to get your head around so I might aswell quote it from the man himself;

I dreamt I ran into God on a street corner. He looked like Bruce Springsteen and he was smoking a cigarette. I had it out with him and asked “Where were you when all this bad stuff was happening to these very undeserving, good people.”

You Found Me is a tough song for me. Its about the disappointment, the heart ache, the let down that comes with life. Sometimes you’re let down, sometimes you’re the one who lets someone else down. It gets hard to know who you can trust, who you can count on. This song came out of a tough time, and I’m still right in the thick of it. There’s some difficult circumstances my family and friends have been going through over the past year or so and can be overwhelming. It wears on me. It demands so much of my faith to keep believing, keep hoping in the unseen. Sometimes the tunnel has a light at the end, but usually they just look black as night. This song is about that feeling, and the hope that I still have, buried deep in my chest.

Can you imagine someone standing up in Church and saying I had it out with God.  I don’t imagine it going down well.  This kind of reaction has been enstilled into me aswell.  In that conversation with my good friend the other night, I mentioned how I had had a utilitiy room confrontation with God.  I was standing in my utility room, all of this rubbish just welling up inside me and getting the better of me and, to be honest, I had it out with God.  Even for me, my first reaction thereafter was one of shame.  I slumped against the utility room wall, slid to the floor and hung my head as I remembered Job 38:1

Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind: Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?

A couple of weeks back I bought The Punisher: Warzone on DVD.  There is this really poignant moment in it when Frank Castle is sitting in his Church talking to his Preist about how far he has taken his vengance, about judgement and about Matthew’s gospel.  The Priest closes saying “God be with you Frank.”  Castle replies

Sometimes I’d like to get my hands on God

Isaac Slade, Frank Castle and I are all examples of the same issue.  None of us, even the fictional Castle have lost our faith; our belief in their Father God and in the Grace of his son the Lord Jesus Christ.  Each one of us, however, struggles with God.  As Isaac said, it can wear us down and in many ways, the fact that we keep our faith is a testament to how much we can take and how God keeps us strong.

The other night, that same night I had the conversation with my friend, I really struggled with God.  In prayer, I used the same words that I used a few paragraphs back; God, I could really use a break…

In the Old Testament, Jacob found God.  Granted, unlike Isaac Slade, He didn’t appear as Bruce Springsteen on a street corner.  He did, however, appear as an ordinary man in the middle of Jacob’s camp.  Jacob didn’t put on a facade or pretend that everything was wonderful for him.  At the same time, however, he wasn’t losing his faith.  Just a few nights previous he had prayed for God’s help and His blessing;  he needed a break…  When Jacob found God… he had it out with Him.  Genesis 32: 24-29 recounts how Jacob wrestled with God until the morning broke;

Jacob [was] all alone in the camp, and a man came and wrestled with him until the dawn began to break. When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket. Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” “What is your name?” the man asked. He replied, “Jacob.” “Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him. “From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.” “Please tell me your name,” Jacob said. “Why do you want to know my name?” the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there.

Jacob struggled with God and not even in the spiritual sense that I’m talking about, but in an actual physical sense.  Even when God delt him a crippling blow, Jacob refused to give up.  He continued to struggle until God blessed him…

I can empthaise with Isaac Slade.  In some ways, I can even empathise with Frank Castle.  Sometimes you do struggle with God.  It doesn’t make you a bad person or even a weak, faltering Christian… maybe it’s just because we’re human, I don’t know.  All I know is that if we can learn anything from Jacob, it’s that sometimes blessing can come straight out of a struggle with God.  More than this, it’s important that we don’t hide the fact that we’re struggling.  Jacob didn’t hide the fact that he had wrestled with God for fear of being shunned, no.  We’re told that Jacob renamed the place where his camp had been Peniel, which means the Face of God because it was there that he had met God face to face.  Even more than this, however, it’s important that we, as a Christian Church, change how we look at our struggle with God.  We need to break down the barriers between one another and that may mean being completely honest and open with our brothers and sisters.  We should also be aware that such honesty must occur without fear of reprise.  If we’re endeavouring to be Christ-like, we shouldn’t be judging one another anyway and yet we do and we fear judgement from eachother and this isn’t a good thing.  Everytime Paul offered adivce and prayer in the new Testament, he did so lovingly, sometimes having not even met the people to whom he was offering his loving words.  I think it’s time we got back to this…

As for me?  Well, I’m still struggling.  As ever, it’s help to make a note of it all.  It always helps to work through some stuff on the old blog and it would have been hypocritical of me not to do it in an open and honest way.  If you’re struggling, I hope and pray that you can take some comfort from this and if it helps in any way, then thanks be to God…