Left alone with only reflections of the memory…

I guess that one of the reasons for my lack of blogging of late is simply that I really can’t think of anything particularly interesting which is going on in my own wee world of late.  That’s not to say, however, that there aren’t things on my mind.  The truth is, in fact quite the opposite.  I mean perhaps it is this little lull; this void in time which my life seems to have reached over the last month or so but my mind seems to have turned to examining deeper thoughts and feelings; far beyond any which I had encountered in the past.  Perhaps this is all some form of protective and preservative reaction; a veritable psychological counter-measure designed to protect my mind during these times when I am otherwise unoccupied by a banal, reciprocal and systematic mode of life.  All I know is that lately I’ve found my self becoming overwhelming philosophical even just in my own company.  A few weeks back I found myself sitting in Sainsbury’s car park simply unable to turn the key in my ignition given my preoccupation with the few thoughts dancing around in my mind.  Surely, had anyone looked into my humble little Yaris at that point they may have worried for my sanity as I muttered to myself; to my consciousness which had been elevated into an albeit metaphysical state.

Similarly, I yearn to go for a long walk along the Lisburn Road during the stillness of night; perhaps alone or perhaps accompanied by another philosophical soul prepared to act as my mental and spiritual sat-nav.  I must say, I truly miss living in Belfast.  I don’t really know why.  I guess there’s a lot of things which I miss about that wonderful city.  One, as mentioned hitherto, is the people; amazing friends who, of late, seem to be drifting further and further away and not just in the geographical sense.  I also miss sharing in praise, worship, study and fellowship with these people.  In fact I’m in a real dilemma regarding Church at the minute…

I remember once over-hearing a discussion at a big Christian event last summer.  In this discussion two gentlemen were mulling over the topic of megachurches.  one proposed to the other that Northern Ireland really needed more megachurches.  This discussion pointed me towards one reason why I love my Church so much.  A year or two back I wrote a wee history of the Church for our diocesan website and it went a little something like this;

As Samuel Lewis, a contemporary to the building of Craig’s Parish Church, remarked in 1840; "the Church and school house correspond in architecture and though separated from each other by the high road, are connected by the plantations in which they are embosomed, so as to form one picture of repose scarcely to be equalled in this part of the country."

The Church was built by the Diocesan Church Accommodation Society between the years 1838 and 1843.  Its foundation stone was laid in 1840 and the Church was consecrated in 1841.  The Church cost £760.12s.5d. and all but £50 was given by the society.  The building was designed by Sir Charles Lanyon, an architect who, from the 1840′s on, designed and erected a staggering number of buildings including Queen’s College (the present Lanyon Building of Queen’s University), the Palm House in Botanic Gardens and Belfast Castle.

In 1870 two transepts and a south aisle were added. In 1888 the little vaulted chancel was enlarged and timber panelled at the expense of Edmund McNeill of Craigdun Castle "in memory of six infant children folded by the Good Sheppard."

Today, the Church has lost none of its original, rustic charm, however, the Church stands for much more than a simple 18th Century building in the countryside.  Rather, it is a continuing community of worshippers who eagerly gather to share their faith with one another and those visitors whom the Church welcomes warmly.

You see, in comparison to those megachurches, on a Sunday morning I am not faced with 2,000 people of whom I know only a few names and faces.  No, on the  contrary, my simple little Church in the Cullybackey countryside has maybe 50 or 60 people in attendance.  I know their names, I know their parents names and I know their children’s names.  I know some of their stories, I know some of their songs and I have the utmost pleasure of joining with them in fellowship.  When anyone is struck down with a problem, be it large or small, the congregation gathers around them like a family.  I mean I guess that’s exactly what a church should be, a family; a group of authentic-fellowship sharing brothers and sisters in the Lord Jesus Christ.

I suppose that makes it even harder to place this dilemma of mine in any kind of context.  I mean if I love my Church so much then why am I having this crisis?  I really don’t know how to describe it.  I guess the best I can do is to say that something is missing… if that makes any sense.  One of the biggest gaps which I think I feel therein is the absence of really good friends; someone within my own worshipping community who I can empathise with, connect to, philosophise with, allow myself to be vulnerable with, open up to and so on and so forth.  You see I had friends like this in Belfast.  More than that I felt that I belonged to a Church within which people like this were abundant.  So many times I’ve found myself discussing whether or not this… I don’t know, movement, can be called a Church.  I’m sure many of those who attend would never have thought of it as such but for me and others like me it represented many thins which a Church really should be.  We worshipped together, we prayed together, we poured over the scriptures together and we learned from one another and from God.  More than this, however, there was no denomination and no canon; we were Christians, we simply were.  Those with strictly conservative Church upbringings shared in fellowship with their brothers and sisters who prayed in tongues while those who would have perhaps been inclined towards more excitable worship embraced the stoic bible readings of their neighbours.  Simply put, we could be ourselves, we simply were.  I found myself opened up into a whole new realm of Christianity; a place which simply had not existed in my Church life before.  I found myself studying dreams and prophecies and wandering whether or not our dreams and visions in this day and age were simply mere daydreams and musings or whether we were truly being visited by the spirit of the Sovereign Lord… often concluding that coincidental daydreams provided a simply unacceptable explanation.  You see it wasn’t so bad when I had this kind of out-let of faith even once a week but now I find, in it’s absence, my enthusiasm for Church at home waning…

One of those excellent friends mentioned above once asked me something like should we need late love to inspire the kind of spiritual connection I’m talking about above.  I guess the answer to that question should be no. For me, however, I would find it very hard to say that.  I don’t know, perhaps it’s just the fact that I haven’t found this kind of community of worship here in Ballymena, but I really miss the fellowship which I experienced on those Thursday nights and I know, for a fact, that I am a lesser man spiritually without those nights.

I will have to pray more and more about this in the upcoming weeks.  I want to be giving my all to God and for His Kingdom and I hope and pray that He guides me towards a Church or even just towards people who can inspire this same spark within me once again.  Who knows, perhaps He’ll even just lead me back to Belfast and to those friends I miss so dearly.  All that I can hold on to at the minute is the hope that everything which happened to me over these last few years won’t simply fade into nothing… into mere reflections of a memory.

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories…

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I’m not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose…

And I’m praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it…

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between…

So I Thought – Flyleaf