If I should become a stranger…

I finished an absolutely superb graphic novel last week.  I had texted a friend saying that I would gladly lend it to him, but that I thought it would take me some time to get through it.  Truth be told, on coming home one night, tired and weary of 4th year History, I absolutely inhaled each and every one of its gripping pages.  To give you the abridged version of the story, that brave bunch of stalwart heroes we’ve all come to know and love as the X-Men have been through a tough time of late.  In the wake of an event of apocalyptic proportion for mutant kind, many of the X-Men, including their younger prodigies at the Xavier institute, found themselves somewhat lacking in their mutant powers.  This cataclysm transcended mutant-kind; heroes and villains alike, and the supposedly ‘further evolved’ superhumans found themselves to be something of an endangered species.  To mutant-kind, therefore, the birth of the first mutant after all the tradgedy which had since passed seemed somewhat messianic.  Similarly, however, certain factions within human society, saw this new-born mutant as an entity on a power with the anti-Christ.  What ensues is a race to find the child with each faction of mutants and humans alike possesing their own agenda for it’s ‘retrival’ (for lack of a better word).  Indeed, even within these factions, old rivalries reappear, emotions run high and the back-stabbing and double-crossing never ceases.  Honestly, if you are a fan (even a little bit) of Marvel, graphic novels, the X-Men or all of the above, ’X-Men: Messiah Complex’ comes with my highest reccomendation as one of the best graphic novels I have read recently; an impressive accolade given that mere days ago I finished the second installment of my hero-storyline of choice -  The Death of Captain America : The Burden of Dreams.

Granted, this may seem like an odd introduction (or perhaps not given the introduction to other posts).  The X-Men metaphor, however, seems to fit in just fine with the kind of stuff I was hoping to talk about tonight.  Even those of you who have seen the travesty which was the X-Men movie triology will be familiar with the air of a kind of ‘unacceptance’ which runs as a continuous theme throughout the X-Men storylines.  Human-kind, perhaps simply because they don’t understand mutants or perhaps because they are fearful of their obvious superiority, never truely accept mutants into society with ‘open arms.’  Indeed, the only way for mutants to find some kind of a feeling of belonging is to attach themselves to other mutants; either, that is, through Xavier’s institute or through one of the many other coalitions of mutants (either scrupulous or otherwise).  I think it’s something I’ve always considered to be relevant to my own life; the issue of acceptance, belonging and attachment.  If I’m totally honest, it’s an issue which I have never and probably will never resolve.  Perhaps, however, it might be useful to throw a few words down on this humble piece of webspace with the intention of reaching some kind of an, if not somewhat ambiguous, conclusion.

“I don’t know if you can see
The changes that have come over me
In these last few days I’ve been afraid
That I might drift away
So I’ve been telling old stories, singing songs
That make me think about where I came from
And that’s the reason why I seem
So far away today

Oh, but let me tell you that I love you
That I think about you all the time
Caledonia you’re calling me
And now I’m going home
If I should become a stranger
You know that it would make me more than sad
Caledonia’s been everything
I’ve ever had”

Caledonia – Amy MacDonald

In the past, I, and might I add very seldomly, dabbled in an old P.C. game called Counter Strike 1.6 (the 1.6 more of an indication fo the version rather than the title itself).  If I’m honest, I didn’t like it.  I was bad at it, I thought the graphics were old and tired and I found the gameplay repeditive; A view I enjoyed vocalising to many of my friends who were somewhat ‘fanboys’ of the game.  Every now and again, however, I’d take a little fit of playing it.  On one occasion, I found a website where someone was showing off how they had improved the game by changing certain designs and textures therein.  I downloaded these impovements and found that they endeared me somewhat more to the game.  On informing the aforementioned ‘fanboys’ of this fact, one of my good friends commented on how my “love/hate relationship with Counter Strike was continuing true to form.”  He was probably right. 

This afternoon, however, I was contemplating if you could have such a thing as a love/love relationship with something.  Rather, I was wandering if you could have a love/love relationship with two things; a kind of binary if you will.  Can I use the phrase “love/love” to describe a situation where I find myself utterly torn between two things; the weight of love gradually shifting from one side of the binary to the other and then back again, to such an extent that I simply can not make up my mind as to which I love more…?  Whether I can or not matters little.  The point is that this afternoon I realised that my love/love relationship with Ballymena and Belfast “was continuing true to form.”

I remember once being asked as to why, in a previous blog, I had mentioned that I’d come to call Belfast, this wonderful aforementioned city, home?  I think that the person who asked the question missed a crucial point.  By saying that I’ve come to call Belfast home, I’m in no way denying my love for the town of Ballymena.  I was born there, I grew up there, my family, my friends and most of what I hold dear is there.  I can not, however, forget what Belfast has done for me.  My life has changed dramatically since moving here.  I’ve made new friends, new ties, new hopes and dreams and I’ve began to feel a spiritual affiliation with this place; one which, honestly, I never felt in Ballymena.  The last two years of my school life in Ballymena were not enjoyable for me.  Manys a time I contemplated leaving school and moving on, but truth be told I thought that I really wouldn’t achieve anything and so I persevered.  Leaving Ballymena and moving to Belfast for at least most of the year was a huge step for me.  The first two years spent living in Belfast and attending University here were much the same.  I struggled.  I could never find that ellusive afore-mentioned ‘acceptance, belonging and attachment’ which I so sought.  The third year hit and (for the most part) it was really good for me.  I built upon great friendships which had been (when left to me) floundering over the first couple of years.  I found myself changing as a person and I finally think I grasped a sense of perspective and. dare I say it, meaning for my life.  This is a difficult thing to process. I think it was Donald Rumsfeld who said;

“…remember where you came from.” 

In light of the last paragraph, how do I deal with this kind of statement?  Yes, my roots, my heritage, my past lie in the wonderful town of Ballymena.  My parents grew up in its hinterland. I grew up in the town itself. I went to school there, made friends there, rely on family there and yet its not quite that simple.  Ballymena did not make me the person I am today; that honour belongs to Belfast.  In the close to four years I’ve spent here, I’ve changed so much (and hopefully for the better).  I’ve not only learned alot in terms of my university education, but real life lessons; the beauty of independence, the diversity of the cosmopolitan world in which we live, the importance of discipleship, the reality of authentic fellowship, the amazing times that three complete strangers can have when they live together for a year and so on a so forth.  In truth, there probably isn’t enough memory on wordpress’s servers for me to articulate exactly how much this city has done for me, changed me… bettered me.

Had you asked me 6 months ago where I’d like to spend my life here in Northern Ireland, I would have said Belfast.  I felt like I had been called to a future here; that someting about this city made it the place where I was going to find that acceptance, that belonging and that attachment I had so often puzzeled over.  I guess that’s due, in no small part, to the realtionships I’ve built up here in the last four years; relationships with friends which have been spawned out of nothing but a sincere and authentic sense of fellowship.  Indeed, these friendships have been forged out of the raw materials of discipleship and accountibility; relationships which are bound up in the Lord Jesus Christ and, according to Michael W. Smith;

“Friends are friends forever
If the lord’s the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the Fathers hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.”

Friends – Michael W. Smith

If you ask me tonight, however, I’m not quite that sure.  Right now, I have a real desire to be in Ballymena.  Perhaps it’s just part of a bigger problem ingrained with issues contemporarily plagueing me; a research project finishing in and around the 90 page mark which kept me tied up in Belfast for the last few weekends.  Perhaps it’s the fact that I spent a long weekend in Ballymena recently; maybe it gave me a taste for home again.  Perhaps its the various issues facing my wider family circle at the minute which has ignited some kind of home-bred passion within me and has given me a longng to be there, with them.  Maybe it’s just because I actually like the town; perhaps I have some kind of weird patriotism when it comes to the mighty  metropolis nestled on the banks of the river Braid with its multitiude of churches, it’s bible-believing vanguard and it’s “big shopping centre.”  Maybe it’s the relationships I have there; the friends with whom I have been honoured to spend both the best times and the worst. Maybe it’s the fact that my four years in Belfast are drawing to a close and that, with an uncertain future ahead, I find myself drawn to my first home.  Who knows?  All I know is that as I was walking up university road this afternoon, I was listening to Amy MacDonald.

I have to be honest, the first time I had a listen to her album “This is the Life,” I wasn’t exactly blown away.  i remember thinking that her songs were kind of, I don’t know, ’samey.’  In fact, on hearing one of her songs on a radio station while in a shop with one of my very good friends, he made note of the fact that “she only knows four chords.”  It has to be said, however; I like to give music a chance.  Some of the songs I enjoy most nowadays began their relationship with me by almost making my ears bleed.  The second or third time through “This is the Life,” I started to “get it.”  I mean sure, Ms. MacDonald is far from diverse with her chord progressions, but then some of the best songs I know are pretty much just G,C and D!  No, Amy’s genius is in her lyrics.  I think my favourite song of hers would have to be ‘Let’s start a band,’ opening with a practically poetic two verses which blow me away every time I hear them;

“Put a ribbon round my neck and call me a libertine
I will sing you songs of dreams I used to dream
I will sail away on seas of silver and gold
Until I reach my home

Give me a guitar and I’ll be a troubadur
Your strolling minstrel, twevle century door to door
I don’t know anymore if that feeling is past
Will it last?
Oh how can you be sure? “

Let’s Start a Band – Amy MacDonald

This afternoon, however, I was listening to ‘Caledonia’ which began life as a hidden track at the end of MacDonalds album but which, after a hail of requests, became singly downloadable content on ITunes.  The lyrics, noted hitherto, captivated me. Listening to it again tonight, I feel like the lyrics might aswell have been written about my life.  In fact, if I had the opportunity to paraphrase Amy’s words in my own kind of prose, it might go a little something like this;

I don’t know if you can see how I have changed over the last few years but, to be honest, over the last few days, I’ve been afraid that I might drift away from my first home.  I’ve been telling people stories all about that place where I came from and tonight, I feel so distant, so far away from that home.  But let me tell you that I love you and that I think about you all the time; Ballymena, I feel like you’re calling me, asking me to come home.  You know, if I would ever be considered a stranger there, it would make me truely sad; Ballymena, you’re my first home and you have so much which is dear to me…

That may seem a little odd and silly, but I don’t care and there is a simple reason for that.  I have put so much emphasis on Belfast in the words which i write here that I feel like that little blurb says something about my first home.  It’s also a message to the important people who are part of my life.  I have never, ever forgotten about you.  Even when I have been stuck in Belfast, dealing with the business of my life here, you folks are always on my mind and, truth be told, I love you.  You know, my time spent in Ballymena recently has really made me fall in love with everything about it.  Not just my friends and family, but the little things; the people at my church, the kids who I used to teach in Sunday school, people I once thought of as kids at Junior Scripture Union turning into young adults to be proud of, former teachers with whom you can stop and have a wonderful chat, the roads I learned to drive on, the countryside I grew up with, the trees I used to climb, the way the sun sets behind the farmhouse in front of my house, the way the mist hangs in the fields in the morning, the way you can hear the distant railway crossing from my patio, my room and so many more…  To me a town which had almost become like a stranger in mind was showing me all the reasons I should love it.  It couldn’t be better encapsulated that through the words of Journey front-man Steve Perry.  While this particular song was about the realtionship between himself and is wife, I feel like it sums up nicely what I have felt towards my hometown of late;

“And being apart aint easy
On this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy
Of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me
Im forever yours…faithfully”

Journey – Faithfully

That, unfortunately, is not the conclusion.  No, I have reached a much more perplexing and, in many ways, confusing conclusion.  I was talking to a great friend of mine on the phone the other night. We were talking about ourselves; both, in many ways, distant from our first homes at the minute and yet both planning our lives and our futures and thinking about making new homes for ourselves.  The conversation was long and deep and really got into the crux of what we were both musing over.  I think it’s fair to say that she, like me, feels like it is her time away from home which has made her the person she is today.  We talked about how we’ve both grown up, how our lives had been through bad times and good, but how each and every experience has shaped us, moulded us and made us into the people we are today.  We talked about time and about history.  We talked about people who live in ”sugar-coated dream worlds” where everything is constant and perpetually wonderful.  We talked about other people who have changed and some who haven’t changed at all.  We talked and talked and talked… That may seem odd, but it was a conversation frought with confusion for me.  You know, I have great things in both Ballymena and Belfast, but I get the oddly disturbing feeling that my road does not end there.  I can’t help but return to that acceptance, belonging and attachment which I seem to seek continually.  I think the reason that I have a love/love realtionship with these two wonderful places is that I’ve only really found glimpses of what I’m searching for in both.  I think that I’ve yet to find that thing which seems so distant to me right now.  While my great friend seems to have found herself and her life where she is now; a place which has given her a home, an education, a job and many wonderful relationships; a place which has given her a future, that reality still seems to escape me.  It’s a thought which worries me; the thought that despite the home, the family, the wonderful friends and the past I have in Ballymena and the lessons I’ve learned, the growth and the deep realtionships which have come out of Belfast, I’m not sure that either represent that place of acceptance, belonging and attachment which so elludes me.  Honeslty, I’m not even sure what I think anymore…

“I will never know myself until i do this on my own.
I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed. 
I will never be anything till I break away from me.
i will break away. ill find myself today.

I want to heal, I want to feel, what I thought was never real,
I want to let go of this pain I’ve felt so long.
I want to heal, I wat to feel, like I’m close to something real,
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along…
Somewhere I belong.”

Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park